(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Look at him biting his lip and pretending to be all innocent….
(Source: drivers-adam)
Just to be confirmed
June was definitely a long and tough month for me. It was also the month when my anxiety too over the best of me. As I’m typing this I’m having my 10mins break from work hahah and technically June hasn’t end yet. 6 months into this job and this was the month they would give me a letter to let me know I’ll be confirmed as a staff here. Working here has been an eye opener, I learn many new things every day be it in electrical line/mechanical/chemical/gas and so many more. This month was extremely stretching for me as I had to “ot” at least 2-3 days a week mainly on mon-wed. Each session to atleast last till 10pm because of an on-going project which I needed to help on top of the other projects im currently handling. Having to be within my comfort zone of working 8+hours a day adding an additional 5 hours really drain me out. I rarely had time to talk to my family, hardly ate proper meals (didn’t help abit when all this fell during Ramadhan of which I can feel the hunger halfway through the day haha). By the time it was midweek I was really really exhausted. I barely could catch up with meetings and conversations were difficulty to hold up with anyone (I would get annoyed at the slightest things) so basically I was a mess. Didn’t help one bit when I started worrying that my reputation would be affected because I started making many tiny mistakes at work so naturally I got annoyed at myself till the extend that even my family knew how annoyed I was getting. I thought I had gone back in time because this was how I felt during my finals week in Uni. I could barely hold myself together, I couldn’t sleep well and on most nights I just cry to sleep and even during sleep I was thinking about the small mistakes I did at work and how I couldn’t do anything to proof myself otherwise. And lastly not to mentioned preparing the house for Raya. Thinking about it made me really really anxious because there were lots to be completed (spring cleaning/baking/settling the house with new appliances etc) I felt like I was letting everyone down and as the days passed I didn’t know if I was worth working here. Even meeting up with my friends was draining me out., instead of making me feel better, it made me feel like I was disappointing them if I cancel because I was tired or when I needed my own space. There were times I feel like I was being peer pressured to meet my friends simply because I wouldn’t want to let them down. And then it was all too much that I couldn’t take it anymore. I want to cut myself out from everyone. I wanted to be alone because I feel that I was a disappointment. After a few days of having alone time, mostly trying to reconnect with Him and as weirdly as it sounds, I knew I was getting a hold of myself. I decided to start reading again to distract myself from being down. So I started reading a book on anxiety (coincidental) rather than a book of poems (which I’m already halfway through) because somehow the poems was making me anxious rather than staying calm. moving along, It’s the ending of the month and I feel I’m much more settled compared to the previous week from when it was at its peak. And even though I’m very much still anxious on a whole (esp at work) I guess getting more exposure here at work is always a stepping point to becoming a better engineer. i’m barely there, but i know if i keep trying im atleast a step closer to than i was before. Ok, ten mins up dhan please get your shit together. I hope that by writing these out it would serve as a reminder to myself that anxiety will always be there I just need to learn how to cope with it.
